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“We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are.”— Anaïs Nin
A Threshold Moment
You are standing at the threshold of something enormous.
Perhaps you’ve just become a parent. Perhaps you’re stepping into a classroom for the first time. Perhaps the child has already been in your life for months or years, and only now are you asking:
What am I really doing here?What does it mean to guide another human being into this world?
It’s a noble question. A terrifying one. And the way our culture responds to it is predictable.
- Buy this.
- Sign up for that.
- Follow these steps.
- Build this routine.
- Enroll in the course.
- Use these words.
- Avoid those.
You’ll be given tips, tricks, and techniques.
Scripts for handling defiance.
Charts for tracking success.
Curricula designed to shape your child into something presentable, measurable, and ideally—compliant.
But What If the True Beginning Has Nothing to Do with the Child?
What if the question is not:
How do I raise or teach this child?
But rather:
Who am I when I stand before them?
What if parenting and teaching are not about downloading the right strategies—but about stripping away everything that obscures your ability to truly see, feel, and be with another person?
We begin not with methods. Not with toys.
Not with sleep schedules or social-emotional lesson plans.
We begin with the mirror.
Because before you ever respond to a child’s behavior, you are already communicating something far more powerful: your worldview.
What You Already Carry
- What you believe about emotions
- What you expect from obedience
- What you fear in chaos
- What you assume about children’s intentions
- What you value in a “well-behaved” child
- What part of you is terrified of being judged in the grocery store
These beliefs do not appear overnight.
They are inherited, shaped by your upbringing, your culture, your wounds.
And if left unexamined, they govern your reactions far more than any parenting book ever will.
You Were Taught Before You Ever Taught
You carry within you the voice of your father, your first-grade teacher, the adults who praised you when you were quiet and punished you when you were messy.
You carry stories about children:
- That they’re manipulative, or pure, or wild, or fragile, or divine.
- You carry fears about failure, embarrassment, loss of control.
- And most of all, you carry expectations—some conscious, most not.
What We Expect (Often Without Realizing It)
- That children should do what we ask—politely, quickly, and without resistance.
- That they should develop on schedule.
- That they should say “please” and “thank you.”
- That they should not cry too loudly or ask the same question twelve times.
- That they should prove we are doing a good job.
And we place expectations on ourselves too:
- To always be calm.
- To never lose our temper.
- To raise “good kids.”
- To protect them from embarrassment, struggle, or uncertainty.
- To always have the right answer.
Your Inheritance Was Not Chosen—But It Is Yours to Work With
You begin this work with a full inheritance.
The problem is, most of it was handed to you without your consent.
To start from a place of truth means to pause.
To hold the mirror steady.
To stop performing what you think a parent or educator should be—and instead ask:
What is actually true for me?
The Cultural Script Is Loud
The modern world rarely offers you space for this kind of inquiry.
It offers:
- Products, not presence
- Standards, not soul
- Control, not connection
And this cultural script enters your body.
It shows up in your voice, your posture, your demands.
The cultural myth says:Good children are quiet, respectful, and tidy.
They sleep through the night. They say please and thank you.
They do not interrupt. They do not scream in public.
But what if a good child is not an obedient child?
What if they are wild, expressive, emotionally honest, and unapologetically themselves?
What if the traits that challenge you most are the very traits that will serve them best in a world that desperately needs truth and courage?
We Don’t See Problem Behavior—We See Human Experience
What we call defiance may be a call for dignity.
What we call laziness may be exhaustion.
What we call manipulation may be a desperate attempt for connection.
But you can only see this if you’ve done the work to dismantle your filters.
You Were Trained to Suppress, Not to Feel
These filters are strong. They’ve been reinforced over decades:
- By school systems that reward conformity
- By religions that reward obedience
- By families that reward silence
And now, when a child resists, your nervous system remembers the threat:
This is dangerous. This must be stopped.
So you raise your voice. You control. You shut down the moment.
Not because you’re cruel—but because you’re scared.
Because the culture taught you that a well-regulated adult is one who keeps children in line.
But regulation without awareness is not wisdom.
It is suppression.
What Suppression Teaches
- That emotions must be masked
- That questions are interruptions
- That curiosity is inconvenient
- That the adult’s comfort matters more than the child’s truth
This is where the real work begins.
Not in the child.
Not in the curriculum.
Not in the behavior chart.
It begins with you—
Your body, your story, your biases, your wounds.
Becoming a Space, Not a System
Parenting and teaching are not about managing the child.
They are about becoming the kind of adult who can hold space for a child’s entire self—
Not just the parts that are convenient.
This requires a slow unlearning of everything you thought made a “good” adult.
Can you stay present with a child who refuses?
Can you resist the urge to fix a child who is sobbing?
Can you listen when they say, “I hate you”?
Can you welcome frustration, confusion, and silence?
And harder still:
Can you sit with the discomfort of not knowing?
The Secret: There Is No Script
There is only:
- Presence
- Relationship
- Iteration
- Repair
The moments that transform a child do not come from perfectly delivered lessons.
They come from ruptures.
They come when you fail, and then return.
When you apologize.
When you say, “I’m still learning, too.”
You Will Not Get It Right—And That’s the Point
Children do not need perfection.
They need models of being human—in motion.
- To live with integrity, humility, and an open heart
- To make mistakes and return again
- To feel safe in your presence, even when things fall apart
And if you begin here—with a mirror, not a manual—
you are already on the right path.
Because this path is not linear.
It spirals inward and outward, asking more of your presence each time.
It is not about raising perfect children.
It is about becoming the kind of adult who can stand in the truth of the moment—
unarmored, curious, alive.
That is where parenting begins.
That is where teaching begins.
Not with the child.
But with the one who kneels to meet them.
Reflection Prompts
Use these as journaling questions, group discussion starters, or quiet meditations:
- What assumptions do I hold about what makes a child “good”?
- What was I praised for as a child? What was I punished for?
- How do those experiences live in my body today?
- When I feel triggered by a child’s behavior, what story do I tell myself?
- What cultural norms am I replicating without realizing it?
- What parts of me feel unwelcome when I’m around children?
- How do I define respect? Whose comfort am I protecting when I demand it?
What You Can Begin Practicing
Start small, without urgency:
- Practice a 3-second pause before reacting to behavior you dislike.
- Observe your own internal dialogue during conflict.
- Replace correction with curiosity at least once per day.
- Spend 10 quiet minutes daily without fixing or planning—just observing.
- Begin each week with one new question about your own beliefs.
Long-Term Shifts to Explore
These cannot be done quickly—but naming them helps guide the journey:
- Move from behavior management to emotional presence.
- Replace praise/punishment systems with deep listening and empathy.
- Seek community with other adults doing the inner work of unlearning.
- Let go of the image of the “ideal” child and meet the one in front of you.
- Redefine authority as relational trust, not control.
Challenge Your Assumptions
What if the child who frustrates you most is here to liberate you from your own conditioning?
What if your role is not to shape the child—but to unshape the rigidness within you that cannot hold their full expression?
What if the first act of teaching or parenting…
is the courage to become teachable again?
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